No fear

When we love someone, we fear separation. We afraid there are obstacles in love. So how do we should do to protect  the love between two people.

Buddha taught that there is no birth; there is no death; there is no coming; there is no going.

If we continute to cultivate sensual love, then inevitably we arrive at sexual craving and desire. We shouldn’t underestimate sensual love. Every human being wants to love and be loved.  This is very natural. But often love, desire, need, and fear get wrapped up all together. There are so many songs with the words, “I love you; I need you.”. We might feel we can’t survive without the other person. But that need is actually a continuation of the original fear and desire that have been with us since we were small children.

When we were in womb of our mummy. We lived in a very warm, wet, comfortable place inside the womb. So, when we were born, we went from place warmly to to being in a cold hard place full of harsh light. We cried the the first time. We cried in order expel the liquid from our lungs, in order to breathe our first breath. It was a dangerous moment in our life so it was the first fear of our in life.

As babies, we were helpless. We had arms and feet, but we couldn’t use them to go anywhere. There was very little we could do for ourselves. Our original desire is to survive. And our original fear is that no one will be there to take care of us. Before we could talk or understand language, we knew that the sound of footsteps coming closer meant someone would feed and care for us. This made us happy; we really needed that person.

As newborns, we could distinguish the smell of our mother or the person taking care of us. We knew the sound of her voice. We came to love that smell and that sound. That’s the first, original love, born from our need; it’s completely natural.

When we grow up and look for a partner, the original desire to survive is still there in many of us. We think that without someone else, we can’t survive. We might be looking for a partner, but the child in us is looking for that feeling of safety and comfort we had when our parent or caregiver arrived.

When we were infants, the smell of our mother was the most wonderful smell in the world, because we needed her. In Asia, people use the nose more than the mouth when they kiss each other. They recognize and enjoy the smell of the other person.

We might relax into a relationship, thinking, “I’m okay now, because I have someone to love me and support me.” . When we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear. It is a great relief. Non fear is the ultimate joy.

Hoàng Phước Đại – Đồng An.